We all have our chores to do and errands to run. So, it’s no wonder that we might just not want to do it, right? Won’t it be too good of an opportunity to pass on the chores to others? Well, I believe that it would be fine if some people didn’t do it on purpose. When a chore is given to someone, and they do such a poor job of it, I probably won’t trust the same person with other tasks. Would you?
If this happens to you, then you might be dealing with weaponized incompetence. Weaponized incompetence is when a person shows helplessness to avoid doing certain things. This often results in others picking up their responsibilities.
This behavior could be manipulative and shift responsibilities from one person to another. So, in this post, I will talk about what weaponized incompetence is, how it looks, why people do it, and how you can deal with it.
What is Weaponized Incompetence?
Weaponized incompetence happens when one person pretends to be bad at a chore so that they can avoid doing the task. It’s not the same as truly struggling with a task, but is a conscious way to avoid responsibility. While this behavior happens in almost every relationship, it is more common in romantic relationships.
The term “weaponized incompetence” comes from social media, where people are sharing stories of their partners and coworkers using this tactic to avoid doing chores. While the term is trending, researchers have discussed other concepts similar to this one. Another term for this behavior could include “skilled incompetence” or “strategic incompetence”.
People often overlook this kind of behavior because there’s never a way to know if someone is truly bad at a job or if they are just pretending.
Common examples of weaponized incompetency in every relationship can include:
- Your spouse says they “don’t know” how to clean the house, leaving the chore to you.
- Your colleague at work submits a sloppy report, urging you to pick up after them.
- Your friend says they are just a “bad driver”, making you pick them up and drop them off every time.
- Your partner is doing a chore incorrectly on purpose so they are not asked to do it again.
- Your coworker repeatedly avoids learning a basic tool at work.
- Your friend acts helpless when planning events, forcing you to do all the work.
Weaponized Incompetence in Relationships
Weaponized incompetence is a common issue in romantic relationships where one person pretends to be bad at doing certain errands to avoid responsibility for them. This behavior can shift the emotional and physical burden on the other person. It can cause frustration, anger, and emotional distress in the relationship.
An example of this could be:
Your spouse claims they don’t know how to fold laundry, making you take over the task. They consciously do their chores badly like burning dinner, forgetting important dates, etc. This may put the responsibility on your shoulders.
This kind of weaponizing can lead to unhealthy relationships where one makes all the effort and the other avoids all efforts.
Weaponized Incompetence in the Workplace
Weaponized incompetence is not just limited to romantic relationships. It can also exist in the workplace. At work, this behavior shows when a coworker intentionally underperforms or pretends to struggle with tasks to avoid responsibility and move it all to others.
An example could be:
A colleague often claims they don’t understand a process, forcing others to take over their tasks. In another way, a manager might pretend to face difficulty with work, pushing his subordinates to take over the tasks.
Moreover, with time, this kind of behavior can cause an imbalance in the workplace, lower productivity, and cause resentment.
Why Do People Use Weaponized Incompetence?
There are many reasons people might use weaponized incompetency.
To avoid responsibilities: Some people might use this behavior to avoid labor, physical or emotional. They just don’t want to do the work!
It could be learned behavior: Some people’s childhood might have been like this, where one parent did everything and the other did nothing. This kind of example could also make people use weaponized incompetency.
To be in control: In some cases, this behavior can be used to control the power in the relationship. In abusive relationships, this can be a means to manipulate one person to cause an imbalance of power in the relationship.
To seek attention: By pretending to be helpless, some people might weaponize their incompetency to seek attention from their partner or spouse.
How to Address Weaponized Incompetence?
If you see this pattern in your relationships, don’t worry! I have some tips for you to deal with this behavior. Here are some ways to deal with weaponized incompetency:
Find the pattern
Pay attention to how and when this behavior happens. Does the other person always mess up the same tasks? Or do you redo their work to avoid anger outbursts? Find the pattern and it will help you deal with weaponized incompetence.
Communicate about it
Communication is key so instead of blaming others, see how the behavior impacts you. Talk to them about it openly, honestly, and firmly. Keep the conversation going and avoid turning it into an argument.
Hear what they have to say
Ensure that your loved one has a chance to explain their side. Maybe they really don’t know how to do a chore or a task, or they feel overwhelmed when asked to do something. Try to understand their point of view before jumping to conclusions.
Set boundaries
Be clear about what you want to change. Be open about how you would like to divide the responsibilities in the relationship. Set boundaries and expectations so there’s no misinterpretation.
Seek professional support
If you see no change in how things are happening in the relationship, then it could be a sign that you need to seek professional help. A therapist can help you converse with your partner, offer tools, and help you work through the issues.
Final Words:
Weaponized incompetence might look like a small thing, but as time goes on, it can take a toll on your mental and emotional health. Your mental health is important and you don’t have to feel like you’re the only one carrying all the burden alone. You build healthy relationships on mutual trust, shared effort, and respect.
If you see weaponized incompetence in your relationships, then take time to address it. Communicating your thoughts on this can help you create a balance in your relationships.
Relationships are about teamwork, not about winning or losing. Create a relationship where you feel loved and supported, always!
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