Narcissist Trying to Ruin the Holiday? Here’s How to Handle It

If you have a narcissistic family member, you know how quickly they can derail the holidays. Perhaps it’s a criticism of Sally’s new boyfriend, a meltdown over the dessert selection, or an offensive joke that shifts the mood in the whole room.  And without realizing it, you slip back into old survival habits like over-explaining, smoothing things over, or people-pleasing to avoid becoming the next target. This is just one of the ways a narcissist can ruin holiday gatherings.

This article will help you break out of that cycle. You’ll learn why narcissistic relatives often ramp up their behavior this time of year and what you can do to stay calm, protect your well-being, and enjoy the holidays despite the family drama.

Why a Narcissist Ruins Holiday Gatherings

People with narcissistic traits often struggle during the holidays because they expect attention, admiration, and special treatment. When they don’t get it, they react negatively, perhaps by starting arguments, putting others down or stirring up drama because they need the focus back on them. You end up changing your behavior to accommodate them because you don’t want them to ruin the holidays.

Narcissism is rooted in a fragile sense of self that depends on constant validation. Underneath their entitlement is deep insecurity, and holidays intensify it because people are naturally focused on holiday-related activities and traditions, or they’re busy and simply not as available to feed their egos. People with narcissism don’t tolerate feeling ignored, inconvenienced, or emotionally uncomfortable, and they often have little empathy for how their behavior affects others. Some narcissistic relatives genuinely don’t care if they ruin the holiday. They may create chaos on purpose because conflict puts them back in control and they feel strong when they’re making others feel “small.” Their emotional world is centered on their needs, and they expect everyone else to revolve around them.

You probably recognize this pattern. Their mood dictates how things go and everyone else tiptoes around them. If you’ve spent years trying to keep the peace, you’ve taken on emotional work that isn’t actually yours.

What You Can Control and How to Protect Yourself

You can’t change a narcissistic family member. You can’t make them considerate or self-aware, and they will probably act the same way they did last year because they don’t see a problem with it. What you can control is how you respond, what you tolerate, and how you take care of yourself.

A big part of this is adjusting your expectations. A realistic expectation isn’t “Everyone will get along this year.” That hope usually ends in disappointment because it relies on someone who doesn’t want to change. A more grounded expectation sounds like: “They’ll probably make a critical comment. I’ll stick to my boundaries and try to spend time with other family members.” Accepting reality helps us plan strategies we can use and avoid frustration.

You’re also not responsible for their feelings. Growing up around volatile or self-centered family members often teaches you to feel responsible for everyone’s emotions. When a narcissistic relative gets upset, it can trigger the old urge to fix things. That pattern no longer serves you. Their anger, disappointment, or insecurity are theirs. Letting go of the desire to soothe them might feel uncomfortable at first, but over time, it builds self-respect.

Keeping these principles in mind creates the foundation for practical strategies, helps you maintain your emotional boundaries, and reminds you that protecting your energy is not selfish—it’s necessary.

Practical Strategies for Dealing with Narcissistic Family During the Holidays

When you’re dealing with a narcissistic family member, you need tools that keep you grounded and give you a sense of control. These strategies won’t change their behavior, but they will help you cope with difficult family dynamics.

• Have an exit plan. Know where you can go if things escalate, such as walking around the block or regrouping in an empty room. Also, decide when/how you’ll leave. If you’re hosting, consider clearly stating an end time when you make the invitation; this will encourage guests to leave on your timeline.
• Use the gray rock approach. When they make a critical or provocative comment, respond with something simple, like “Okay.” “I hear you.” “Hmm.” This works because you’re not giving them anything to latch onto.
• Pick one boundary. Keep it small and realistic. Maybe you won’t talk about politics, or maybe you’ll leave before the heavy drinking is underway. Stick to the limits you set because they’re meant to protect you.
• Get support from an ally. Identify someone who understands the family dynamics and can offer support in-person or via text or phone.
• Be mindful of alcohol consumption. It can make you more reactive and less strategic, and that puts you at a disadvantage with someone who thrives on emotional chaos.
• Plan something soothing for after family gatherings, such as a hot bath or quality time with your partner. Your body needs to de-stress.

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When Less Contact is Healthy

Understandably, even with exit plans, boundaries, and coping strategies in place, being around a narcissistic family member during the holidays can still be overwhelming, stressful, or damaging. It’s okay to step back. You don’t have to attend every gathering, and you can give yourself permission to skip holiday events entirely if that’s what’s best for you.

 Limiting contact isn’t “mean” or “dramatic;” it’s an important way to protect yourself and reclaim your emotional energy. For more guidance on deciding when enough is enough, see this article on recognizing when to go no contact or my book Cutting Ties with Your Parents.

Final Thoughts

Your narcissistic family member will likely act the same way because this is who they are. However, you can make the holidays more manageable by prioritizing your well-being and taking steps to care for yourself differently.

©2025 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.

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Dr. Sharon Martin

Dr. Sharon Martin is a trauma therapist supporting adult children of dysfunctional families. She’s passionate about helping adults overcome the effects of narcissistic and emotional abuse, learn to set boundaries, and develop self-worth. She writes extensively about codependency, perfectionism, and healthy relationships, including the popular blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today. Dr. Martin is the author of four self-help books, including The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.