How to Set Boundaries Without Trying to Control Others

When someone does something that bothers you, it’s natural to want them to change.

I want my mother to stop posting photos of my child on social media.

I want my friend to stop criticizing my choices.

But what if they won’t change? Where’s the line between healthy boundaries and trying to control others?

Learning to set boundaries without controlling others means understanding your needs, communicating them, and recognizing that you often have other ways to meet them, even if the other person doesn’t change.

It’s Okay to Ask Someone to Change

Discussions about boundaries often focus on how to ask people to change. And that has its place in relationships. We affect each other, and it’s appropriate to tell someone when their behavior is negatively affecting you.

When you communicate clearly and kindly, people who care about you will often change. Other times, there will be pushback, and no matter how well you communicate, some people will resist changing.

The problem is that we can’t control whether other people change. So, while communicating our needs and asking for change is an important part of healthy relationships, it’s also important to consider what we can do when someone won’t change.

Identify What You Really Need

It can help to look underneath the behavior you want to change and identify the need you’re trying to meet.

Usually, there’s a good reason we want someone’s behavior to change—we’re trying to meet an important need. For example, you may think it’s unsafe to have photos of your young children on social media and want to protect them. Or wanting a friend to stop criticizing you may stem from a need to feel respected.

These needs are important. And it’s perfectly reasonable to ask other people to change behaviors that interfere with them. 

Before deciding what to do, ask yourself: “What do I really need in this situation?” Clarifying the need behind your request can help you think more broadly about your options.

Focus on What You Can Control

A key part of learning to set boundaries without controlling others is recognizing that you can’t dictate someone else’s behavior. When you want someone to change, it’s easy to become preoccupied with their behavior. I get it; it’s frustrating. At the same time, when we focus on changing others, we can miss practical solutions.

You can usually meet a need in multiple ways. For example, the mother who wants to keep her child’s photo off the internet can ask Grandma to stop posting photos, but this isn’t the only way to meet her need. She might stop sending her mother photos or report the photos to the social media platform so they can be removed.

The point is that instead of putting all your energy into getting someone to change, especially if they’ve demonstrated that they aren’t willing, you can focus on what you can control and find other ways to meet your need.

However, sometimes we resist these solutions because we believe the other person should change. We feel justified in our request, we don’t want to have to change our own behavior because of something someone else is doing, or we don’t want to settle for what feels like an inferior or imperfect solution.

That’s understandable. But getting hung up on what someone else should do can keep us from considering what we can do.

Sometimes the choices within our control aren’t the choices we would prefer. They may feel unfair or inconvenient. But that doesn’t mean they’re not worth considering.

We don’t have to agree with someone else’s behavior to decide what we can do about it.

The other person’s response also gives you information. If they respect your request and make an effort to change, that tells you something about the relationship. If they refuse or repeatedly ignore it, that tells you something, too. You can then make decisions based on what they actually do, rather than continuing to hope they’ll eventually do something different.

You Can Set Boundaries Without Controlling Others

Healthy boundaries aren’t about never asking anyone to change. We need to communicate our needs, consider different ways of meeting them, and be willing to make choices that are within our control.

I use this 4-step process in my book, The Better Boundaries Workbook:

1. Identify what you need in a particular situation or relationship.
2. Brainstorm ways to meet this need, including ways to meet the need yourself.
3. Take action by changing your own behavior or thoughts or asking someone else to change.
4. Adjust your boundary if it doesn’t adequately meet your needs.

When you stop seeing someone else’s behavior as the only solution, you may discover that you have more choices than you initially thought. And that’s one of the most empowering things about healthy boundaries. You can communicate what you need, ask others to change, and still make choices that protect your well-being when they don’t.

©2026 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.

Dr. Sharon Martin

Dr. Sharon Martin is a trauma therapist supporting adult children of dysfunctional families. She’s passionate about helping adults overcome the effects of narcissistic and emotional abuse, learn to set boundaries, and develop self-worth. She writes extensively about codependency, perfectionism, and healthy relationships, including the popular blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today. Dr. Martin is the author of four self-help books, including The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.