Are you obligated to take care of your aging parents? What if they didn’t give you the care you needed growing up? Do you owe them care, even if they mistreated you?
This is a common struggle for adult children of dysfunctional families. They often feel compelled to help, drained and resentful if they do, and guilty if they don’t.
Are Adult Children Obligated to Care for Their Aging Parents?
Some people believe adult children should care for their aging parents regardless of how they’ve been treated. They see caregiving and financial support as repayment for parental sacrifices or simply as part of the parent-child relationship.
I don’t think it’s healthy or reasonable to assume adult children owe their parents anything simply because they’re their children. Having children is a choice and raising them is a parent’s responsibility—not a debt children must repay for the rest of their lives. This expectation assumes adult children must prioritize their parents’ needs ahead of their own, even when doing so strains their finances, relationships, or health.
This expectation also perpetuates gender inequality. Unpaid caregiving falls disproportionately on women, usually the oldest daughter, who is typically expected to sacrifice her time, money, career, and well-being because caregiving is a daughter’s job.
For adult children of dysfunctional families, this expectation can be especially harmful. It reinforces the unhealthy pattern you learned in childhood of putting your parent’s needs ahead of your own. It can also leave you vulnerable to further emotional or verbal abuse by putting you in contact with a parent who continues to criticize, manipulate, or mistreat you.
It’s Normal to Want to Help Your Parent—and Normal Not to Want To
Some adult children feel compassion for an aging parent and want to ease their suffering. Some don’t and that’s understandable. For some, it’s too painful to reengage in unhealthy family dynamics. For some, it feels like backsliding after they’ve worked hard to heal emotional wounds and trauma responses. For others, it breeds anger and resentment. And some simply don’t want to help someone who’s treated them poorly.
Everyone is allowed to have their own feelings and make their own decision when it comes to helping an aging parent. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s anyone’s place to judge you as they haven’t walked in your shoes.
Give Yourself Permission to Do Less—or Nothing at All
There’s no single right way to handle an aging parent who mistreated you. Some adult children provide substantial care because it aligns with their values. Others offer limited assistance or decide not to be involved.
Consider what feels right to you without sacrificing your health, finances, or other important relationships. For example, you might help with medical appointments but not daily care, contribute financially but decline in-person contact, or step away entirely.
Caregiving is demanding even in loving families. However, the burden is much heavier when a parent is ungrateful, critical, entitled, or abusive. You may spend hours arranging appointments or handling bills, only to be criticized for what you haven’t done. You may also find yourself anticipating demands and managing your parent’s emotions—roles that feel familiar if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. If caregiving exposes you to further mistreatment or pulls you back into unhealthy family dynamics, choosing not to take on that role can be a healthy act of self-preservation.
If you’re anxious, resentful, or exhausted, take those feelings seriously. They may be signs that your current level of involvement isn’t sustainable or in your best interest. You can reduce your responsibilities, set firmer boundaries, or step away. You don’t have to meet every need or tolerate mistreatment.
You also can’t force a parent to accept help. You can express your concerns and offer assistance, but repeatedly trying to persuade a resistant parent will drain your energy without changing the outcome. You aren’t responsible for their well-being, especially if they refuse help.
Guilt Makes You Feel Like You’re Not Doing Enough
Guilt often comes from social stigma and other people’s expectations, even when they don’t know the full story. Siblings, relatives, or well-meaning outsiders may judge your choices based on the false belief that all families are loving and supportive. Remember that outside judgment rarely takes trauma into account.
Try distinguishing between what you can do and what’s healthy or reasonable. You might be able to spend every weekend helping your parent, but you don’t have to. Being able to make a sacrifice doesn’t mean you’re obligated to.
Ask yourself whether your sense of obligation reflects your values or an old belief that you’re responsible for your parent or owe them something. If a friend had been treated the way you were, would you tell them they owed their parent care? What would you encourage them to do?
You may still feel guilty when you set limits. That doesn’t necessarily mean doing something wrong. Instead of treating guilt as proof you should do more, remind yourself why you set limits and let those reasons be enough.
You Get to Decide What You’re Willing to Give
Before deciding how involved you want to be in your parent’s care, consider these questions:
- Why do I believe I owe my parent care, given how they treated me?
- What makes me feel responsible for my parent’s well-being now?
- What would I do if I believed I was allowed to put my own well-being first?
Feeling guilty, sad, or anxious is completely understandable. However, you don’t have to resolve those feelings before setting limits, and you don’t need to take responsibility for your parent’s choices or future. Caring for an aging parent isn’t automatically your job—and prioritizing your well-being is never a moral failure. You get to decide what you can offer, what you can’t, and where to set boundaries.
©2026 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.
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