How to Set Boundaries with a Narcissistic Parent

Having a narcissistic parent can be draining and take a serious toll on all aspects of your life. In this article, I use the term narcissism to describe someone who needs constant attention, struggles to show empathy, and often puts their own needs above everyone else’s.

As an adult child of a narcissistic parent, you might feel like your life revolves around pleasing and appeasing your parent. You’re manipulated into doing what they want, controlled by their demands, and constantly criticized no matter what you do. You may find yourself sacrificing your own needs, wants, or goals to keep the peace or gain their approval, leaving you frustrated and unfulfilled.

Why Adult Children of Narcissistic Parents Need Boundaries

Boundaries are dividing lines that differentiate you from others, clarifying what you’re responsible for and allowing you to be your own person. They are limits that protect your well-being, enable you to focus on what’s most important, and help you meet your needs.

Without clear boundaries, a narcissistic parent will encroach on your life, leading to feelings of guilt, self-doubt, and exhaustion. Boundaries act as a buffer, helping you reclaim your space, decisions, and emotional health.

Boundaries are a way to say, “This is my life, and I get to choose what happens in it,” which is especially empowering when you’ve grown up with someone who constantly tried to control and manipulate you.

Recognizing that you need firm boundaries is an important first step. However, as you probably know, setting boundaries with a narcissist is difficult. So, let’s start by reviewing some common boundary-setting mistakes.

Common Mistakes When Setting Boundaries with Narcissists

The biggest mistake people make when setting boundaries with narcissists is using the same approach they would with non-narcissists. Setting boundaries with narcissists requires a completely different approach because:

1. Narcissists don’t care about other people’s needs and feelings.
2. Narcissists rarely change their behavior.

You need to remember that narcissists will not understand your needs no matter how much you explain, and asking narcissists to change their abusive or problematic behavior will not work.

Another common mistake is expecting a reasonable or respectful response to your boundaries. Instead, be prepared for anger, blaming, manipulation, and false promises. Narcissists experience boundaries as a threat, so they fight them.

Lastly, many people mistakenly offer explanations or justifications for their boundaries. Again, this doesn’t work because narcissists don’t care about other people’s needs and feelings. Offering explanations often makes things worse because it gives the narcissist material to use against you. They will pick apart your reasons, challenge your rationale, dismiss your needs, or offer alternatives that only serve their purposes.

Tips for Setting Effective Boundaries with a Narcissistic Parent

Although boundary-setting with narcissistic parents is challenging, these tips can help you set them more effectively:

• Focus on what you can control. Usually, this means adjusting your own behavior rather than asking a narcissist to change. Ask yourself, “What can I do to protect myself in this situation?” This might include leaving the situation, blocking a phone number, or saying no and sticking to it.
• Less is more. Limit the details and keep explanations to a minimum. As noted earlier, don’t waste your energy trying to get a narcissist to understand why you’re setting a particular boundary. Keep your statements clear, simple, and consistent. For example, instead of saying, “I need you to respect my decisions,” try, “I’m not available for a discussion on this.”
• Be consistent and follow through on consequences. Boundaries don’t mean anything if you don’t enforce them. For example, if your boundary is no pets in your home and your father shows up with his dog, be prepared to hold firm and not answer the door, ask him to leave, or insist he put his dog in the car.

Handling Narcissistic Reactions to Boundaries: Resistance and Manipulation

First, it’s helpful to anticipate resistance and remain calm and detached. Narcissists might try to guilt-trip you, provoke anger, or act like the victim. Prepare for these reactions and practice responding neutrally. For example, try short, calm responses like, “I understand” or “I hear what you’re saying, but my decision is final.”

If manipulation intensifies, consider creating more distance for a period. This lets them know your stance hasn’t changed. When they realize you won’t budge, they may push back less over time.

Do You Need to Reduce or End Contact with a Narcissistic Parent?

If setting and reinforcing boundaries leads to constant stress, manipulation, or abuse, reducing contact may be necessary to protect yourself. For some, limited contact (like texting rather than talking on the phone) is helpful. For others, complete no-contact may be the healthiest option. It’s a personal decision and one that may benefit from professional support.

Remember, reducing or ending contact with narcissists is frequently necessary because they do not accept limits, and without limits, a relationship with a narcissist is unsafe.

Everyone deserves to feel safe and prioritize their well-being and needs. Doing so isn’t selfish—it’s self-preservation!

Additional support and guidance on going low or no-contact with your family is available in my book, Cutting Ties with Your Parents.

Final Thoughts

Setting boundaries with a narcissistic parent is often difficult and exhausting. Remember to take care of yourself along the way. Self-care and social support will give you the strength to weather the challenges and stay consistent. Progress might feel slow, but every step forward is a success!

©2024 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.

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Dr. Sharon Martin

Dr. Sharon Martin is a psychotherapist and author specializing in helping adult children recover from difficult childhoods. She’s passionate about helping adults overcome the effects of narcissistic and emotional abuse, learn to set boundaries, and develop self-worth. She writes extensively about codependency, perfectionism, and healthy relationships, including the popular blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today. Dr. Martin is the author of four self-help books, including The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.