As family estrangement gets more media attention, some are suggesting that therapists cause family estrangement—or at least encourage family cutoffs. This criticism are typically made of adult children’s therapists by the media, estranged parents, and their therapists and advocates.
While it’s true that some adult children decide to cut ties with a parent as part of the therapy process, this assertion overlooks the true nature of therapy and the reasons for cutting ties with a parent.
Do Therapists Encourage Estrangement?
Therapists aim to help people build healthier relationships; their goal is not to break up families. This can include learning communication skills, how to resolve conflicts and set boundaries, examining family roles, and healing relationship ruptures. When family members are willing and able to engage in the therapeutic process with humility and an open mind, family therapy is appropriate and stronger family relationships can result. Unfortunately, this is not always possible.
As individuals process their experiences in therapy and gain a greater understanding of their emotions and needs, they may become more aware of how their family relationships impact their mental health, which can lead to reassessing their relationships and choosing to distance themselves from people who negatively impact their well-being.
Why Family Cutoffs Happen
It’s important to note that no one wants to be estranged from their families. Research indicates that severing ties is typically a decision of last resort (Agllias, 2016, 2018; Scharp et al., 2015), after attempts to communicate and solve the problems have been ignored or exhausted. Contrary to popular opinion, adult children report that they do not decide to cut ties hastily; they agonize over it and only estrange themselves after years of feeling mistreated and unheard.
Therapists are Convenient Scapegoats
When family members feel hurt or rejected, it’s often easier to blame the therapist rather than accept responsibility for their part in the relationship breakdown. Therapists become convenient scapegoats for those who do not want to be accountable for their actions or how their behavior impacts others. Blaming therapists is a form of deflection and denial that hides the real issues at play and hinders the possibility of reconciliation and healing.
Therapists Empower and Accept
A therapist’s role is not to tell people what to do or solve their problems; it’s to empower them to make their own informed choices. I’m trained as a social worker and one of the guiding principles of my profession is to respect clients’ right to self-determination. This means that I do not force my agenda or values on my clients. I support them in deciding what’s right for themselves. Therapists aim to be non-judgmental, so clients can assert themselves without seeking their therapists’ approval.
That said, it’s also important to acknowledge that therapists have considerable influence and the potential to harm their clients. Therapists are humans, and despite their training, they have unconscious biases and lived experiences that can affect their work with clients. To ensure they don’t misuse their power or let their personal beliefs or biases influence their clinical work, therapists engage in supervision, therapy, consultation, and self-reflective practices.
Therapists Destigmatize
Therapists’ efforts to destigmatize estrangement may also be misconstrued as encouraging it. Shame and social pressure can keep people in abusive or unhealthy relationships that erode their mental health. Working to reduce stigma and increase acceptance of estrangement as a valid choice is an act of social justice for some therapists. Many liken it to efforts to destigmatize divorce in years past.
What’s the Connection Between Therapy and Family Estrangement?
So, if therapy doesn’t promote estrangement, why do some people choose to cut family ties while in therapy? Here are a few reasons:
- Education on Healthy Relationships and Abuse
Therapists often provide education about healthy relationships, boundaries, trauma, and what constitutes abuse or mistreatment. Understanding these concepts can be a revelation for adult children who have normalized harmful behaviors within their families. Armed with this knowledge, they may choose to distance themselves from toxic relationships to safeguard their mental health.
In therapy, adult children may also gain new insights into patterns of generational trauma, abuse, mental illness, or substance abuse in their families, and find that no or low-contact boundaries are the only way to break these patterns.
- Therapy is a Process of Self-Discovery
Individuals often enter therapy seeking to understand themselves and their experiences better. In the process, they may uncover dysfunctional or problematic dynamics within their family that negatively affect their functioning. This newfound awareness can lead to difficult—but necessary—decisions about setting boundaries or taking space from family members who contribute to their distress.
- Therapy Improves Self-Care and Self-Worth
For many, therapy is the first time they feel heard and understood. A therapist’s unconditional acceptance and compassion helps them recognize that they matter, their needs are valid, and they’re worthy of self-care and respect.
People who attend therapy prioritize their mental health and take steps to improve their health and happiness. When you’re in a toxic or dysfunctional relationship, self-care involves setting boundaries or limiting contact with people who drain you physically and emotionally or make you feel inadequate or worthless.
- Therapy is Empowering and Supportive
Therapy is rarely the first place adult children consider cutting ties. Rather, it’s a safe place to consider all options without pressure or judgment.
Therapy reinforces that adult children know what’s best for themselves and have the right to make their own decisions. And the support of a caring and non-judgmental therapist can help adult children gain clarity about their decision and give them the courage and confidence they need to take action after years of ambivalence.
Final Thoughts
Therapists are not the cause of family estrangement but make convenient scapegoats. Instead, we need to look deeper to understand why adult children cut ties with their parents and why parents tend to have differing views about the cause of family cutoffs.
Because therapy often involves education, self-discovery, increasing self-care and self-worth, and empowerment, it can contribute to some making the difficult decision to set no-contact boundaries or distance themselves from family members. As such, from the outside, it can look like therapists are encouraging estrangement when the decision is more likely related to increased self-understanding, self-worth, and empowerment.
I wish everyone could have a healthy and pleasant relationship with their family. However, this is not always possible and we must acknowledge this and make it acceptable to leave abusive or harmful family relationships. Our shared humanity asks us to stop shaming and judging those who need to make the painful decision to step away from hurtful relationships—and offer them empathy instead.
©2024 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.
Adapted from an article the author wrote for PsychologyToday.com.
References
Agllias, K. (2016). Disconnection and decision-making: Adult children explain their reasons for estranging from parents. Australian Social Work, 69(1), 92–104.
Agllias, K. (2018). Missing family: The adult child’s experience of parental estrangement. Journal of Social Work Practice, 32(1), 59-72.
Barry, E. (2024, July 14). Is Cutting Off Your Family Good Therapy? The New York Times. https://www.nytimes.com/2024/07/14/health/therapy-family-estrangement.html
National Association of Social Workers (2021). NASW Code of Ethics. https://www.socialworkers.org/About/Ethics/Code-of-Ethics/Code-of-Ethics-English
Scharp, K. M., Thomas, L. J., & Paxman, C. G. (2015). “It was the straw that broke the camel’s back”: Exploring the distancing communicatively constructed in parent-child estrangement backstories. Journal of Family Communication, 15(4), 330–348
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