Why People Believe Parents About Estrangement

Understanding Power and Control in Family Estrangement

Estrangement between adult children and parents is often framed as a relationship problem. Describing it as miscommunication, mutual hurt, or family conflict suggests there are two equal parties who simply couldn’t work things out. But for adult children who cut ties due to abuse, neglect, or chronic emotional harm, estrangement is not a breakdown of communication, but a response to a long-standing power imbalance that explains why people believe parents about family estrangement, while children are blamed.

To understand estrangement clearly and compassionately, we must move beyond the idea of equal responsibility and examine the power dynamics that shape family dynamics. Until we do, adult children will continue to be blamed for protecting themselves, while the systems of power remain unexamined.

Why Parents Hold More Power in Families

From the time you were a child, your parents held most of the power. They controlled everything from what you ate, where you lived, and what you learned. They set the rules and chose what to enforce, ignore, and punish. They also shaped your early beliefs about what was normal, what was acceptable, and what love and discipline looked like. This gave them the power to minimize or deny abuse, or convince you that mistreatment isn’t abuse at all—but deserved or “for your own good.”

This power differential isn’t inherently problematic, especially when you’re a young child. Many parents use their authority to protect their children. The problem arises when power is misused, unchecked, or justified as a parental right rather than a responsibility.

Most importantly, the power imbalance doesn’t disappear when you become an adult. When adult children rely on their parents for money, childcare, or housing, their parents have real power over them. That dependence lets parents influence their children’s decisions, set conditions on their help, and make it risky to push back—because speaking up could mean losing support they can’t easily replace.

Parents can also wield power through fear or guilt. Children, regardless of age, have a strong desire to please their parents. Parents can exploit that need by pressuring children to prioritize their parents’ wishes over their own, discouraging boundaries, or making children feel indebted to their parents. Cultural expectations further reinforce the idea that challenging a parent is wrong.

Because parents have social credibility, they control the family narrative. Parents can cast themselves as the victim, claiming they’re being mistreated or unfairly kept from their grandchildren by a child who is unstable or cruel. Again, they are often believed simply because their age, role, and status give them more influence than their child.

Why Estrangement Is Rarely a “Two-Sided” Issue

Estrangement is often described as a mutual breakdown, with the assumption that both parent and child share equal responsibility. This ignores the power imbalance and the fact that harm is far more likely to move in one direction.

Children depend on parents not only for survival, but for love, belonging, and emotional safety, and this dependence makes them vulnerable to being harmed by their parents and more likely to tolerate it. Adult children don’t cut ties at the first sign of harm. They spend years adapting to it, minimizing their needs, and accepting blame.

By the time estrangement occurs, many adult children have already tried communicating their pain, asking for change, or setting boundaries. But when efforts to communicate are ignored, dismissed, or punished, distance becomes the only remaining option.

Why People Believe Parents About Family Estrangement

Parents are believed because of their age, role, and status within the family and community. But adult children are dismissed as too sensitive, reactive, or ungrateful when they speak up. Meanwhile, messages like “family is everything” or “honor your parents” pressure children to maintain the relationship at any cost.

These patterns are rooted in patriarchy—a system that creates a hierarchy in which fathers or men are given authority over women and children. In a patriarchy, male authority is valued more than accountability, which means emotional harm, coercion, or controlling behavior can be justified as necessary for discipline or maintaining order. Children are expected to comply and defer; their needs and feelings come last in the hierarchy.

Cultural norms and patriarchy make cutting ties unacceptable, framing it as disloyal or wrong, rather than a protective response to ongoing harm. Cutting ties challenges the family hierarchy, leading parents to fight to maintain power over their children.

Blaming adult children for family estrangement is another form of victim-blaming. It’s the same power and control tactic used to blame victims of sexual assault. It benefits the abuser―the person with the most power―and is designed to keep the victim from speaking out.

Recognizing How Power Imbalances Contribute to Estrangement

If we want more honest and healing conversations about estrangement, we must stop pretending that family members have equal power. Taking a neutral stance sides with the person with more power and allows harm to continue.

Clinicians, communities, and family members need to ask different questions. Instead of “Why won’t the adult child forgive?” we might ask, “What made distance the only viable option?” Instead of focusing solely on reconciliation, we must first address accountability and safety.

We can’t understand―or address―family estrangement without acknowledging the power dynamics behind it. Adult children often endure years of emotional harm, guilt, and control before deciding to cut ties. While parents often see estrangement as unwarranted, children feel unable to speak up because they hold less power; they’re afraid of retaliation, blame, or rejection.

My hope is that by recognizing the power imbalance, we move away from blaming adult children and see estrangement as a response to harm within an unequal system—creating space for compassion, clarity, and healthier relationships.

©2026 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.

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More about Estrangement from Dr. Martin

Dr. Sharon Martin

Dr. Sharon Martin is a trauma therapist supporting adult children of dysfunctional families. She’s passionate about helping adults overcome the effects of narcissistic and emotional abuse, learn to set boundaries, and develop self-worth. She writes extensively about codependency, perfectionism, and healthy relationships, including the popular blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today. Dr. Martin is the author of four self-help books, including The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.