Why Doesn’t He Want More Sex? 9 Common Answers

Men are always ready and willing—right?  So, why doesn’t he initiate sex with you? Why does he turn you down when you initiate? What’s going on?

Men wanting sex less than their female partners is a common issue in relationships. Unfortunately, it’s an issue that is rarely talked about.  Couples are often hesitant to admit that this is an issue, and many won’t talk about it even with a therapist or close friend. It is important for you to know that you are not alone.  Many couples are struggling with this, although our cultural myths about sex indicate otherwise.But why does he want sex less than you do?  Let’s look at some common reasons that may help you begin to address the problem.

1) He is depressed.

A person’s libido often decreases when he is depressed.  The depression can be situational (temporary) or it can be chronic or even a symptom of low testosterone (see below).

2) He has low testosterone.

Low testosterone can be easily detected by a simple blood test. Low testosterone is an often-overlooked health problem in young men. Some of the symptoms of low testosterone are decreased libido, depressed mood, fatigue, loss of muscle mass, and decreased bone mass.

3) He suffers from anxiety.

An anxious person may have trouble getting out of his head enough to relax and have sex.  For example, if your partner is focused on being productive and completing a to-do list, he may struggle to connect with his sexual desire and to focus on your sexual relationship.

4) He takes sex for granted.  

You have become familiar and he has become too comfortable in the relationship. This often occurs after a couple begins cohabitating, and the allure of infrequent or spontaneous sex dissipates. 

5) He is less attracted to you.

It is common for physical attraction to each other to have ups and downs over the course of a long-term relationship.  Being open and honest with each other in a loving way can help you address this issue and find a solution. 

6) He is anxious about his sexual performance.

He may be worried about getting and maintaining an erection, especially if he has a history of erectile dysfunction.  Also, he may be anxious about pleasing you. Again, open and honest communication is the key here. 

7) He prefers masturbation.

Sometimes men prefer to masturbate because masturbation is independent, easier, more efficient, and less complicated than sex with a partner.  They can create whatever scenario they want without even having to communicate (or leave the couch). Try incorporating it into your sex life with your partner.  For example, try mutual masturbation or perhaps watch each other.  

8) He has a Madonna-Whore complex. 

Some men may find it difficult to view their wholesome wife and mother of their children (the Madonna) also as a sexual person who can get freaky in bed (Whore).  Part of this complex, sometimes connected to religious messages, is the idea that good girls don’t like sex and sex is disrespectful to women. He doesn’t want to treat you, the woman he loves, with disrespect; so he refrains from pursuing sex with you.

9) There has been an affair. 

He is having or has had an affair.  Or, perhaps you have had an affair, and he’s struggling with the emotional fallout.