We Maybe Quarantined, but Our Character is Not:
What We Do When No One is Looking
While quarantine has deprived many of us of our routines, our social outlets, our familiar ways of getting through the day, it has provided us with something surprising: a window into people’s character. Often, it takes a while to get an idea of a person’s character. Different from personality (introvert vs. extrovert) or temperament (easy vs. slow to warm up), character is more about a person’s values, their morality.
During the last couple of weeks providing psychotherapy for clients navigating the changing world and the realities of quarantine, I have heard people describe situations where they feel resentment, anger, and judgement towards their peers who are breaking the quarantine. I am hearing stories about people who have been casually dating, getting to know one another, and then – they get the text. A couple of weeks ago it was, “Want to meet for a drink?” After bars and restaurants closed it became, “Want to come over?” Then the struggle begins…Yes! I want to go out, be around people, flirt, feel alive! Yes! I want to come over, scratch this itch (being quarantined is causing involuntary celibacy for singles)! No! I feel so irresponsible. I can’t put others at risk! What if everyone did what I am doing? Resist! I need to do my part and hope everyone else does too. What kind of person am I?
There it is. The classic dilemma: give in to my urge or listen to my conscience. But what if no one knew? (Except me, my hook-up, and my therapist?)
Can I live with that?
For many the answer is a resounding NO. I am hearing stories about people who are getting a glimpse of someone’s character. Someone they might have considered dating exclusively until they see a post of them at a happy hour or gathering IRL with friends in someone’s apartment, or even pushing too hard to come over and relieve that sexual tension. And they aren’t liking what they see.
In a recent virtual session, an astute client said: “What do we do when no one else is looking?”
The answer is: we reveal our character. Or according to Freud, our Ego strength.
Ego strength is how well we balance our internal drives or urges (to go out with friends or meet up with that cutie from Hinge) with the expectations of society and with our own ideas about how we should be. The Ego negotiates between the urges that come from inside ourselves, which Freud called our Id, and the expectations that usually have their origins outside ourselves (society, family), which he called the Superego.
The strength of the Ego lies in how well these opposing forces can be managed in a realistic way, which means without using some kind of defense like denial or minimizing to make it easier on the Ego. It would play out this way:
Id says: @dogparkboy keeps texting me to come over. I’m going. I NEEEEED this!
Superego says: Ugh, but what about social distancing and the whole reason why I’ve been staying home and feeling like I’m going to crawl up the wall!
Defensive Ego says: He isn’t sick so I won’t get sick and all these reports about asymptomatic people getting other people sick are exaggerated (minimizing the risk) so I can go over there and it will be fine. I’m totally not being irresponsible (denial!).
When our Ego is doing its job effectively, the quarantine scenario might play out this way:
Id says: I don’t think I can stay in this apartment if I get another text from @dogparkboy asking me to come over and pet his puppy. It’s too much. I’ve been cooped up in here with my Zoom yoga for too long. I’m human after all!
Superego says: NO way. I am a responsible person, I care about humanity. I need to set an example for other people to help them do what’s right. I need to feel like I am a good person and I can do that if I follow the rules as delineated by the CDC and Mayor Bowser. What would my grandmother think!
Ego says: This is tough. These urges are strong and hard to resist. I think I need to try not to act in the moment in a way I’ll regret and then feel really guilty for a long time. What if I just make a frisky phone call to @dogparkboy and try to imagine life post-quarantine?
Not only do we feel a certain way about ourselves when our Ego gets worn down and our Id wins out, but in this new world order, our friends and potential dates feel that way about us too. The stakes are high these days and emotions are running high as well. It’s hard in there (since we’re not OUT there).
Thank you, everyone out there battling with their Id.
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