In clinician Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity, she explores the nature of erotic desire in relationships (specifically marriage) and our need for both security and freedom in relationships. Today, she says, we expect marriage to offer much more than it provided people historically. Today’s generations want security (love, belonging, and closeness) AND freedom (erotic desire, adventure and distance). Perel says the ingredients for a loving, stable relationship are commitment, intimacy, and egalitarianism, while the ingredients for desire are mystery, distance, risk, and playfulness. She examines how our need for safety and stability can clash with our equally strong desire for passion and desire. Although desire and love may have some fundamental contradictions, there are ways to find a balance!
Some of the top benefits of long-term relationships are familiarity, dependability, and stability. However, when relationships lean too far in this direction, they can start to feel boring. That’s when you hear people describing their relationship like, “It feels like we’re roommates, not lovers.” It’s easy for the passion, adventure, and desire to dissipate over time as you settle into your relationship, so we must tend to the fire and passion. Perel notes, “Fire needs air. Desire needs space.” As humans, we have just as much of a need for adventure, novelty, risk, and surprise as we do for safety, dependability, and security.
With that said, these needs can coexist. You can have stability without it being boring, and in this blog, we’ll discuss how you can continue to feel fulfilled in a relationship with both security and passion. Let’s get started!
How to Maintain the Excitement in Your Relationship
Stability is a much-needed element of any long-term relationship, but “stable” doesn’t equal “predictable” and “boring.” That said, stability can often trick your brain into thinking it’s looking for stimulation. Your brain loves surprises, and it’s natural to crave excitement and new experiences. In order to keep your relationship fresh and new, you and your partner should seek out changes in your routine together.
- Recreate your first date.
- Take a class together or start a new hobby.
- Do something adventurous or scary together.
This may look a little different for every couple. You could go to an amusement park, go bungy jumping, go sky diving, or try another activity that excites both of you. Think about activities you enjoyed as a kid – maybe climbing trees or riding bikes? Putting yourself out of your comfort zone should be the goal.
- Go on a vacation or a staycation.
Get out of the house and enjoy each other!
- Try a 30-day challenge together.
Maybe a challenge where you do something new and different every single day.
- Commit to a standing date night.
You should go on a date with each other every week or month at the proposed time. If you already do this, try switching up what you do for the date. For example, if you normally go for dinner and a movie on the weekend, try going shopping, camping, or mini-golfing instead. You can also change up when you have your date–plan a breakfast date at your favorite coffee shop or meet up for happy hour after work.
Why Is This Important?
Couples who find new ways to add excitement to their relationship are often more satisfied. Stability and passion CAN co-exist; so if you’re feeling like your relationship is a bit too stable for your liking, you don’t have to accept the stagnation. Work together with your partner to add some spontaneity to the routines you already have.
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