How You Can Survive Your Painful Grief

Are you in your twenties or thirties and grieving the death of a loved one? If you are, you already know that this is a particularly difficult time of life to grieve the loss of someone you love.

Grieving a loss as a young adult is challenging for several reasons:

1) Experiencing grief during the quarterlife phase of life is an “off-time” life event, meaning that it is not expected to occur during that phase of life. We do not expect that young adults will have to experience the death of a friend or sibling, so it’s a non-normative event. It is expected, however, that a quarterlifer would experience the death of a grandparent, and this expected event is called an “on-time” or normative event. Off-time events have been found to be harder to cope with because they often feel unjust and unexpected. Because grief during the quarterlife stage of life is non-normative, quarterlifers who are mourning are likely to feel alone because peers don’t share and understand their experience.

2) Grief adds a layer of stress to the already stressful quarterlife stage of life. Young adults who are going through a quarterlife crisis are at risk for depression and anxiety. They are juggling many things for the first time in their life, like career, studies, romantic relationships, figuring out their adult identity, and developing autonomy from their families. Grieving a loss often leads young adults to confront death and mortality earlier than predicted, adding an unexpected “first” to the myriad firsts they are already facing.

3) Grieving can interfere with a quarterlifer’s long-range life plans. Experiencing a loss earlier in life has a greater impact on life goals than if the loss is experienced in later years. For example, the death of a fiancé in a quarterlife couple forever changes their plans for marriage and building a life together. Whereas the death of a spouse in an older couple would not alter their ability to have a family because they are already past that phase of life.

4) There is a lack of social support and professional resources for quarterlifers who are grieving. Quarterlifers’ peers often don’t know how to help or what to say because they have never had to experience the loss of a loved one. Additionally, there are limited professional resources for young adults who are grieving, in part because of the non-normative nature of loss during this period of life. Quarterlifers who join existing support groups for bereavement often find that most of the group members are older and can’t relate to their experience.

How You Can Survive Your Painful Grief:

Remember that you are balancing many stressors in your life right now, and it’s understandable that it feels impossible to manage it all. You can expect to feel a wide range of emotions while you’re grieving and to feel particularly frustrated with peers’ responses to you, even if they are trying to help.

Keep in mind the unique challenges that you as a young adult are facing and how your grief compounds all of that right now. You will begin to feel more like yourself again eventually, but it will take time and patience. Most importantly, you don’t need to do grieve alone.

• Ask for help from friends and family, whether it’s ordering food delivery, grocery shopping, cleaning your apartment, distracting with humor, driving you to the gym, hanging out, talking, or lending a shoulder to cry on.
• Learn about other people’s experiences with grief. Join a support group. Read articles, books, and blogs about loss. Listen to podcast and TedTalks. Reach out to someone you know who has grieved the loss of a loved one.
• Get connected with resources for grief support that are tailored particularly for young adults. The Wendt Center for Loss and Healing is a great resource in Washington, D.C. and the Greater Washington region.

Montada, L.,  Filipp, S., & Lerner, M.J. (2014). Life Crises and Experiences of Loss in Adulthood.