How To Help A Grieving Young Adult

Grief has many causes and many faces. Losing a loved one, and then feeling alone in your grief can feel devastating.
Grieving is never easy, but the grieving process for young adults (quarterlifers) is particularly rough. With a few exceptions, a young adult doesn’t expect to face the death of a loved one. Because grieving a death is non-normative during this phase of life, a grieving quarterlifer is apt to feel like peers don’t understand. Additionally, it can be challenging to find resources and help for grieving young adults. As a 25 year-old grieving client expressed, “my friends don’t know how to handle my sadness. I feel so alone . . . like everyone is tiptoeing around me.”

The following poem captures this feeling and illuminates the most important way in which you can help a young adult who is grieving:

“Elephant in the Room” by Terry Kettering
“There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with, “How are you?” and “I’m fine,” and a thousand other
forms of trivial chatter. We talk about the weather. We talk about work.
We talk about everything else, except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it’s there. We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds. For, you see, it is a very large elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we don’t talk about the elephant.
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me . . .
Alone . . .
in a room . . .
with an elephant.”

As a result of feeling alone, your grieving friend may start to distance herself. Likewise out of fear of upsetting your grieving friend or saying the wrong thing, you may begin to distance yourself. Although it is a natural reaction, it is the opposite of what your friend needs.

So how can you help your grieving friend?

Help her know that you see the elephant in the room and that you know that she hurts. Provide opportunities for your friend to talk about her grief, but don’t force the conversation.

Remember that starting this kind of conversation requires courage. It may lead you to face your own fears and beliefs about death, and to feel emotional. You have chosen to open up communication because you care about your friend.

In summary, to help a grieving friend:

1. Be present.
2. Have courage to address it.
3. See the elephant.
4. Be available to listen when she is ready to talk.

Helpful Tips:

1. Address your friend’s loss directly, saying something like, “I’m sorry that your mother died. I’m here for you, and I really want to hear about how you’re feeling, if you are up for talking about it.”
2. Understand that this is not a problem for you to “fix,” and that it is not helpful to try and make your friend “feel better.”
3. Prompt your friend to share memories of the deceased, her feelings of loss, her fears about death and mortality. Be prepared to share your own thoughts if asked—back-and-forth exchanges can be therapeutic.
4. Even if she does not want to talk about it when you initially offer, check back in with her again down the road.