Handling Holiday Triggers: How to Protect Your Peace During Family Conflict

The holidays often stir up emotions we didn’t expect. Maybe you dread a conversation with a critical relative, feel a sudden surge of anger out of nowhere, or start crying when a specific song or movie comes on. Emotional reactions to holiday triggers like these can hit hard, leaving you tense, anxious, or overwhelmed. Recognizing them and learning ways to manage them can help you navigate the season with more calm and ease.

What are Emotional Triggers?

Holiday triggers are emotional reactions that come up in response to family dynamics, past memories, or the pressures of the season. They often bring unresolved feelings—stress, grief, anger, or conflict—back to the surface, sometimes when you least expect it.

These triggers often show up in ordinary moments. Maybe it’s the tone of a relative’s voice that feels critical, the stress of hosting a crowded dinner, or seeing a social media post that highlights someone else’s “perfect” holiday. You might notice your chest tightening or that you feel on edge around a family member who drinks too much, or suddenly tear up when a holiday tradition reminds you of someone you’ve lost. Even small gestures, like a dismissive look or a sarcastic joke, can trigger a reaction that seems disproportionate for the current situation.

When you notice what’s setting you off, you can choose how to respond instead of just reacting automatically.

Common holiday triggers include:

• Recurring arguments or family tensions
• Criticism, judgment, or comparing you to others
• Guilt trips or pressure to meet someone else’s expectations
• Someone’s drinking, controlling, or threatening behavior
• Harsh or sarcastic tone of voice
• Nonverbal cues, like eye rolls, smirks, or dismissive gestures
• Sensory reminders, such as smells, songs, or decorations that bring up grief or loneliness
• Overstimulation from crowds, noise, or long events
• Pressure from social media to appear perfect, overspend, or be close to your family

Triggers are normal responses to real experiences. They feel like an “overreaction” because you’re not just responding to the current situation, but also to everything it unconsciously reminds you of.

Prepare for Holiday Triggers

Planning reduces stress and helps you feel more in control. What’s happened on previous holidays? The point isn’t to dwell on problems but to use this information, as the past is the best predictor of what’s likely to happen this year. When you understand what triggers your emotions, you can anticipate and plan for managing emotionally challenging situations.

1. Identify likely triggers. Think through situations, topics, or family members that caused tension before. Write them down to make planning easier. Example: If political arguments stress you out, plan how you’ll redirect the conversation or excuse yourself.
2. Have realistic expectations. Accept that some moments will be difficult. Decide ahead of time how you’ll handle them.
3. Establish boundaries. Figure out how long you’ll stay, what topics are off-limits, or when you’ll take breaks. Example: Stay for two hours instead of the whole day, and leave when you originally planned to.
4. Prioritize self-care and mental well-being. Sleep, movement, and quiet time before and after events help you stay emotionally regulated. Example: Take a walk the morning of a gathering, or keep the next day free to recover.
5. Find your allies. Ask someone you trust for what you need. Example: Establish a code word with your partner that means “I need to leave,” or ask a sibling for backup.

How to Handle Holiday Triggers in the Moment

Even with preparation, triggers catch you off guard, and it’s essential to have some “in-the-moment” strategies ready.

Your body often lets you know when you’ve been triggered, with symptoms such as a racing heart, tense shoulders, shallow breathing, or a pit in your stomach. Or you might suddenly feel angry, sad, anxious, or numb.

When you notice these signals, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself: What’s happening in my body? What am I feeling? This creates space between the trigger and your response. Then you can use one or more of these strategies.

• Take a few slow, deep breaths. Deep breathing calms your nervous system.
• Pause before responding. Even waiting a few seconds can help you respond more intentionally.
• Notice your emotions. Simply naming an emotion reduces its intensity.
• Step away. Go to the bathroom, splash water on your face, go play with the dog, or take a quick walk. Give yourself space to clear your head and regroup.
• Communicate your boundaries calmly and firmly. For example, “I’m not comfortable discussing this” or simply removing yourself from a tense situation.
• Reach out for support. Text a friend or connect with a sympathetic family member.
• Find emotional safety in a “glimmer” of positivity, perhaps a happy memory, a photo of a loved one, or something you’re grateful for.

Be Kind to Yourself

Triggers signal that you’re under increased stress. Take care of yourself with small actions such as a comforting ritual (perhaps enjoying a hot beverage or lighting a candle), taking a break, or giving yourself a hug. Focus on what will help you feel emotionally safe, not on meeting everyone else’s expectations. These small moments of self-care reinforce that your well-being matters.

And be sure to use positive self-talk that encourages rather than shames. For example, when you feel triggered, you might say to yourself, “Of course, this still affects me,” or “The holidays are tough for a lot of people. I know I’ll get through this.”

Conclusion

For most of us, the holidays bring both joy and stress. You can’t control everything, but you can prioritize your needs. By recognizing your triggers, planning ahead, staying present in difficult moments, and treating yourself with compassion, you’ll be able to manage holiday triggers more effectively and build resilience.

©2025 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.

Dr. Sharon Martin

Dr. Sharon Martin is a trauma therapist supporting adult children of dysfunctional families. She’s passionate about helping adults overcome the effects of narcissistic and emotional abuse, learn to set boundaries, and develop self-worth. She writes extensively about codependency, perfectionism, and healthy relationships, including the popular blog Conquering Codependency for Psychology Today. Dr. Martin is the author of four self-help books, including The CBT Workbook for Perfectionism and The Better Boundaries Workbook.