Holidays can be a challenging time for those who’ve cut ties with relatives, whether you have no contact or limited contact with toxic family members. Society often equates happy holidays with idealized family gatherings and meaningful family traditions. So, it’s not surprising that so many estranged adult children find the holiday season difficult.
Holidays can also be hard because they remind us of past traumas. For many estranged adult children, holidays with their families involved conflicts, hurt feelings, guilt trips, broken promises, substance-fueled chaos, or physical or emotional abuse. These experiences make us susceptible to depression, loneliness, shame, anxiety, and health problems that flare up during the holidays. All that to say, the holidays were probably difficult even before you distanced yourself or cut off your family.
Navigating the holiday season without family connections can be painful but also liberating if your family has been a source of pain. When you invest in finding ways to care for yourself and reclaim the holiday season, it can be meaningful and fulfilling.
In this article, I offer validation and tips for navigating the holidays from my book, Cutting Ties with Your Parents.
Acknowledge and validate your emotions
It’s natural to feel mixed emotions during the holidays. Estranged adult children commonly experience grief, guilt, anger, confusion, loneliness, and relief – or a combination of them all.
You don’t have to pretend that everything is fine! If you’re having a hard time, it’s a reminder to treat yourself with compassion, increase self-care, and reach out for support.
Accepting and validating your emotions can help you get through the holidays and perhaps even find some joy.
Reflective Question: What difficult or complex emotions are you experiencing? What is something you can say or do to affirm your feelings?
Limit exposure to holiday triggers
Social media and advertisements are often filled with images of happy families, which can amplify difficult feelings and cause you to question your decisions or feel isolated. Setting boundaries around your media consumption can help. Muting certain accounts or limiting your time on social platforms is self-care. Focus on content that improves your mood or inspires you instead of making you feel inadequate or triggering painful memories.
Reflective Question: How can you limit exposure to things that trigger feelings of sadness or comparison?
Decide if you’ll have contact with family
Some estranged adults know definitively that they don’t want contact with their family during the holidays. Others are ambivalent. Both having and not having contact are valid choices and you are allowed to do whatever feels right to you. It’s important, however, that your choice is grounded in reality. Social pressure, hope that things have changed, and desire to give people another chance can sometimes lead us back into situations where we’re likely to get hurt. Spend some time reflecting on your needs and your family dynamics. Weigh the pros and cons of reengaging with your family and assess whether doing so will enhance or diminish your well-being.
Reflective Questions: What indicates that having contact will positively impact you? Are you equipped to handle abuse or mistreatment if it occurs?
Set boundaries
If you decide to have contact with your family, be clear about what behaviors you’ll tolerate, and which are deal-breakers. And have a plan to handle boundary violations safely. This might include how you’ll handle intrusive questions or what you’ll do if your parents start arguing.
Boundaries are also limits that help you manage your own behavior. For example, limiting your alcohol consumption or the amount of time you spend with your family might help keep things manageable.
Reflective Questions: What boundaries do you need to set with others? What limits or boundaries do you need to set with yourself?
Create your own traditions
One of the most freeing aspects of spending the holidays apart from toxic family is realizing that you can celebrate however you want.
You’re no longer obligated to follow all the family traditions. You can continue those that are meaningful and enjoyable and ditch the rest. I also encourage you to start your own. Find new ways to spend the holidays that feel authentic.
Reflective Question: What new holiday traditions sound enjoyable to you?
You don’t have to celebrate the holidays
You can also skip celebrating the holidays altogether. Some people find that traveling during the holidays relieves some of the pressures. Others opt for unconventional ways to spend holidays such as going to the movies with friends or pampering themselves with a self-care day.
Reflective Question: What are some non-traditional activities that you might try?
Spend time with “chosen family” and friends
Family isn’t limited to blood relations. Many people find love, support, and connection through friends, their partner’s family, or community groups. Surrounding yourself with people who genuinely care for you can fill that void the holiday season may otherwise highlight. Plan a Friendsgiving, attend a holiday party, or reach out to others who are spending the holidays alone.
Reflective Question: Who makes you feel supported and accepted? How can you connect with them this holiday season?
Prioritize Your Health
Taking care of yourself is essential for getting through the holidays when you’re estranged from family or dealing with difficult people. Prioritize activities that promote your physical and mental well-being, such as getting enough sleep, eating healthy, exercising regularly, and engaging in hobbies. It can also include seeing a therapist, joining a support group, using techniques to reduce anxiety, or journaling. Self-care can help you cope with stress and maintain a positive outlook.
Reflective Question: What self-care or healthy coping strategies will you use to maintain your emotional health during the holiday season?
Final thoughts
Navigating the holidays while estranged from your family can be complicated, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. You can redefine the holiday season on your terms. Whether that means creating new traditions, leaning into your chosen family, or spending time alone in reflection, there is no wrong way to honor your needs. You can protect your peace and find joy, even in the absence of traditional family ties.
©2024 Dr. Sharon Martin, LCSW. All rights reserved. Photos courtesy of Canva.com.
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