Here are things I try to observe in my own communication online, especially around politics. These lessons are drawn from mistakes I’ve made in the past. Frankly, I’m still making these mistakes — but not as often as I used to.
- Before logging in to social media or initiating any conversation that might result in conflict, pause and set an intention, perhaps along the lines of: “May I be kind to myself and others. May I recognize that anger is destructive. May I remember to be respectful. May I connect with others rather than provoke discord.”
- Be selective about who you follow on social media. Unfollow or mute people who are frequently hostile or critical, even if they’re on your end of the political spectrum. I ended up unfollowing people who were witty and clever in the way they wielded criticism when I began to realize it was emotionally toxic. If you can find compassionate individuals, follow them. I don’t necessarily mean people who gush about love and light all the time. Compassionate people may simply be helpful, bringing clarity without heat, and explaining complex situations without being unduly emotive.
- Imagine how you would feel if you were the person you’re talking to. If you’re tempted to insult them, remember what it’s like to be on the receiving end of insults. If someone has already been criticized by others, imagine what it’s like to be piled onto. Even if you refrain from insults, remember that it’s hard to be contradicted, and be sensitive with any criticism you offer.
- Think of conversations as collaborations rather than competitions. You’re not there to win battles. If the other person is competitive, they’re still collaborating with you. They’re teaching you who you are and giving you an opportunity to practice compassion for self and other. They’re prompting you to dig deeper so you can find wiser ways to respond. Remember: “All people and all circumstances are your allies.”
- One of the principles of effective, compassionate communication is to ask questions — out of curiosity, not as “gotchas.” If you point out the limitations or mistakes in someone’s thinking, they’ll dig in. If you ask them to elaborate and they come to see those limitations for themselves, they may have an epiphany.
- Don’t just criticize things you don’t like; also share your ideals. People need to be presented with better alternatives. If can embrace complexity, or if you have a vision of a society that embodies your spiritual ideas, then present that unashamedly.
- Watch your tone carefully. Pay attention to whether you’re even subtly trying to put the other person down, or to make them look or feel bad. Don’t exaggerate or misrepresent the other person’s point of view. Avoid addressing someone with sarcasm, which is a form of hostility.
- Mocking someone’s appearance or infirmities does not become any less odious just because they have different politics from you or because they do harmful things.
- It’s not natural to be discussing loaded topics all the time, so take longer-term breaks from social media and political conversations. Limit your time online so that you’re not constantly stressing yourself out. If politics proves to be a conversational flashpoint, families and friends can decide to avoid talking about it.
- It’s okay to walk away from a an unproductive or heated argument. This might feel hard at first, because we can obsess, itching to retaliate. But those feelings will pass. Tomorrow you probably won’t regret not having had the last word, and soon you’ll have forgotten about the conversation altogether. You can agree to disagree: “I don’t think either of us is going to change the other’s mind, so I’m going to go do something else now. Thank you for taking the time to discuss this.”
- (This is sometimes my last ditch effort at communicating as I’m walking away.) If someone’s being truly hateful, try saying “You can be better than this.” It’s always true, because we can all always be better. Because it recognizes the other person’s capacity for change, it’s always helpful. It doesn’t suggest they’re bad, and so it’s not unkind. It’s also not something they’re likely to disagree with.
The radio personality Peter Segal shared a list called “Peter’s Rules of Twitter,” one of which was “Never, ever insult someone personally. Mockery is fine, as long as it’s aimed upwards.” Comedians similarly say “punch up, not down.” In other words, make jokes at the expense of those who have power, high status, and privilege — if they deserve it. But don’t mock those who lack power. And note the word “personally.” If you are to be critical, make it about what someone has done or said, not about who they are.
We can still be critical — even very critical. I have no problem with describing a politician’s behavior as “corrupt” if that word is appropriate. It’s important that political leaders’ injustice or wrongdoing is exposed and condemned. I see this as following the lead of the Buddha, who sometimes called out bad behavior in strong terms.
Many times, though, I’ve started to compose a mocking reply directed at a politician or media figure and have deleted before posting it. Sometimes I realize that others have already said what I would say, but better. Mostly, though, I don’t think it’s good for my soul.
To end, I’ll share Peter Segal’s final piece of advice: “To survive on the veldt, humans evolved to crave sugars and fats and to get energized by anger and fear. We don’t live on the veldt anymore. Refrain from feeding obsolete hungers.”
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