As with most things in life, I approach parenting 6 kids with a bit of a different style. I’ve been known to wash my hair with mud, and brush my teeth with charcoal, and I’m just as unconventional in raising my kids. Today I’m sharing what this approach looks like, how it’s evolved over the years, and how it ties into our homeschool journey.
I don’t expect everyone to agree with me, but hopefully by sharing my story you can take what resonates with you. I always try to learn something from everyone I meet and I hope you approach these thoughts with the same open mind! Even if you don’t homeschool, I’ve found this first principles approach to parenting can have some pretty drastic results!
You Are Your Own Infinite Autonomous Being
Yes, that’s quite the mouthful, but I do really believe that about people! And since my children are people too, I treat them the same way. I start here, because this idea lays the foundation for every other parenting decision I make. I see my children as inherently whole, capable, and wise in their own way. They’re naturally born full of curiosity, creativity, and the ability to think critically.
Not so sure?
Well, here’s one example. In 1968, a pair of researchers set out to study the creativity of 1,600 preschool age children. Their goal was to see how many kids met the criteria for a creative genius. Someone who could problem solve, think critically, and think outside the box.
They found a shocking 98% of the young children scored as creative geniuses. When they retested the same children at ages 10 and 15, their creativity scores had steadily plummeted to just 12%. A group of adults in their 30s who were given the same test? They scored at 2% creativity. That old saying “If you don’t use it you lose it” applies to our creativity and decision making processes too!
A Paradigm Shift
The biggest takeaway from the 1968 study was that children are born with these skills. Learning these things changed my thinking about how I wanted to approach parenting my kids. I’m not trying to shape my children into a predefined mold of who I think they should be. Instead, my parenting tries to honor them as a whole person.
Part of this approach involves using intrinsic (not external motivation). Yes, sticker charts and promises of cookies for a reward may get the behavior we want in the moment. However, when children make that internal decision for themselves and can see the value in it, positive habits are more likely to stick. Unlike traditional parenting (and education) this approach prioritizes connection and trust in a different way.
I’ll admit that I was much more structured with my older kids when they were younger! I’ve even got some push back from them on how my parenting has changed with their younger siblings. It’s interesting to see their differing opinions, but then again, they are each their own person.
Parenting as a Guide and Partner
While I do believe my kids are born with innate wisdom about their own bodies, wisdom also develops with age. I know I’ve greatly benefited from others’ shared life experiences and wisdom over the years. In the same way I see my role as a mom to be a mentor and a guide for my children.
This involves respecting my children’s emotions, needs, and experiences, instead of simply relying on my own assumptions. I also don’t try to force them to do things and help them to self-regulate and make their own informed decisions. One way I do this is by modeling positive behaviors
Many people are surprised when I tell them I don’t make my kids eat healthy foods! I make sure our home is stocked with healthy foods and it’s available to them, but it’s up to them to eat it. And if they’re out to eat at a friend’s house, they have to learn to make smart choices for themselves. With a little guidance, kids can learn which foods make their bodies feel good and strong, and which ones don’t.
I would also argue that we really can’t make anyone do anything. Ask any parent of a toddler who doesn’t want to eat his broccoli!
Part of this is helping my kids learn to regulate their own emotions. Some (most) days parenting can be hard. This can bring up a lot of overwhelm and challenging emotions. Instead of putting the responsibility of this on my kids, I try to take responsibility for my own parenting triggers.
Make it Irresistible
Another lesson I’ve learned the hard way, is that what we make off limits is what kids will find appealing. When I was a teen, I really wanted to get my ears pierced a second time. However, my parents said no. Once I left home as an adult, I decided to get piercings… a whole lot of them! At one point I was up to 33 piercings.
I eventually realized I didn’t need (or really want) that many. It wasn’t very comfortable to sleep anymore for one thing! Recently I had a full circle moment on this with my own teenage daughter. She asked for a second ear piercing and I was happy to get curious about it with her. We discussed what she thought, why she wanted one, and helped her come to an informed decision. Her being able to explore that decision and have that conversation in a way was also healing for me.
Critics could argue that children can’t learn intrinsic motivation and boundaries unless we give them external limits. However, I really feel that true structure arises when children are given the space to experiment, fail, and learn within safe limits. The idea for me is to parent through connection instead of coercion and develop a strong relationship.
Education Reimagined
With all that said, my parenting approach also influences how we homeschool. I like to think of it as a child-led, curiosity-driven approach. When my oldest was first approaching school age, I remember reading so many parenting and education books. What I found was that many of them didn’t resonate with how I wanted my kids to be able to learn and grow.
After plenty of research (and some trial and error), I adopted a few core elements when it came to my kids’ education.
- Prioritizing intrinsic motivation instead of external rewards and punishments
- Letting my children lead the way in what they were interested in
- Learning through practical life skills
Everyone will have their own way of approaching their child’s education and some of it also depends on their state’s requirements. We live in a fairly free state when it comes to homeschooling regulations. So my kids can check the boxes for what the state requires pretty quickly, then they’re free to move onto what I consider the real learning!
In Real Life
So what does this actually look like?
We don’t have a typical homeschool day, but I encourage my kids to learn through what they’re interested in. For my one son that means reading tons of books every single week. Recently, for my daughter that meant planning and executing a total room remodel in the house. Including planning the room layout, budgeting, and building a library … complete with a rolling ladder! They’ve taken classes in anatomy, science, and other subjects depending on their passions.
I encourage practical life skills. Each of my kids has a contract with me where they’ve agreed no cell phone or car until they’ve had a profitable business for one year. We take lots of field trips, and they take ownership, show leadership, and follow through with plans.
The Case for Unconventional Education
This approach can come as a shock for some. Don’t we need all of the school subjects every single day? Don’t kids need to be in a classroom for 8 hours? What about pages of multiple choice tests to make sure they’re learning? While none of these things are inherently bad or wrong, I’d challenge that they’re necessary for true education.
When I think back to my grade school education, I remember very little of the facts I learned in my textbooks. What I do remember are the experiences and pursuits that challenged me and interested me.
Something that really shocked me? I found out that kids who literally received no formal schooling at all, if they decide to go to college later, it takes them less than a year to fully catch up to their peers. The important key here, is when they have the internal motivation to learn, they rapidly catch up. My friend Jesse Elder had a similar experience. Although he never had any traditional schooling, it in no way hindered him from becoming a highly successful entrepreneur. You can listen to more of his story here on the podcast.
Researchers have known for over a decade that unschooled children are capable of thriving in a college environment. They noted that unschooled students who went to college (including Ivy League schools) easily adjusted to the academics and were able to quickly pick up the needed skills. The students reported their self-motivation and self-learning gave them an advantage over their peers. 20-50% of these students pursued STEM careers that required advanced mathematics and science courses.
Addressing Concerns to Unconventional Parenting
One of the common concerns is that this child-led approach can lack necessary structure. However, I’ve found that with some help and guidance, children can begin to learn internal discipline. It can take an adjustment period if they’re not used to this.
Another common objection is what about socialization? Between youth group, track meets, tumbling class, and other groups, in my experience homeschooled kids can have plenty of socialization opportunities! I’d also challenge the idea that kids need to only be with their peers all day. Having groups with mixed ages and diversity helps them learn to interact with all kinds of people.
Examples of This Approach to Education
The idea of stepping away from conventional education is quite a mental leap for most people. In my research, I found some interesting examples of this throughout history.
Thomas Edison, arguably one of the most influential inventors in history, was dismissed from his local school house. The teachers said he was “addled,” deemed him unable to learn and sent him home. With a grand total of 3 months at a traditional school, Edison was instead homeschooled in the basics by his mom. He largely taught himself through reading, research, and experimentation.
Alexander Graham Bell, the inventor of the telephone, is another example. He attended school for about 4 years before dropping out and becoming self-taught. The prolific author Agatha Christie was also homeschooled and taught herself to read at a young age. Abraham Lincoln was homeschooled and largely self-taught. The first female Supreme Court justice, Sandra Day O’Connor, accredited her strong foundation in critical thinking to her early homeschool days.
There are many more examples of this, but I think you get the idea! On a more personal note, I’ve seen creativity blossom in my own kids. My kids continually amaze me with the solutions they come up with that are far better than anything I could have given them!
Key Takeaways and Final Thoughts
This approach does demand more from parents, but I’ve found the deeper connections and trust are worth it. While I’m certainly not perfect, I try to treat my children as their own infinite autonomous beings. It’s about approaching them with curiosity and helping guide them to develop their own innate skills.
I know this method is really outside of the box for many, but I hope you can approach it with curiosity.
I’d love to hear your thoughts! Did any of this resonate with you? How do you approach parenting and education?
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