Are you one of those children who has felt in childhood that your mother’s love has some conditions attached to it? Even if you are doing the right thing, then also your mother’s complaints were bothering you because every time she would expect something more from you. Have you ever wondered that your mother’s behavior was abnormal? If yes, then you have surely dealt with a narcissist mother.
In this blog we will understand what narcissist mothers are, and why they are narcissists even with their children. Apart from this, we will also understand how to deal with a narcissist mother.
What Is a Narcissistic Mother?
Surely you remember Miranda Priestly, in The Devil Wears Prada and the way she used to deal with her employees? Similarly, instead of being the boss at work, a narcissist mother is always concerned only about her image, needs, and wants to overpower everyone in the family. That makes her own children feel unworthy, invisible, or emotionally drained.
Generally individuals with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) demonstrate such a way of behaving but sometimes, when a Mother gives more importance to her ego, then it is a direct representation of narcissistic traits and it is very harmful to their child’s overall emotional development.
Signs You Were Raised by a Narcissistic Mother
Not every controlling or tough mother is a narcissist mom. However some common signs can be traced that might make someone say, “Whoa, that’s my mother!”
1. It is always about your mother
Growing up, you noticed that your mom made everything just about herself and by any chance if sometime you shared an issue, then did your mother somehow twisted it into her own issue?
Example: You are telling her that you’re very stressed with your school homework, and her response was “I have sacrificed almost everything to send you to school, and you have no idea how tough my life is” This type of emotional hijacking is a typical narcissistic trait that will shift the complete focus from your stress to hers, and it will leave you unsupported.
2. Love Comes with Strings Attached
You will always find a narcissistic mom’s love is often conditional. It is not, “I like you because you are you.” It is always like, “I’ll like you if you get good marks”
Example: If you get very good marks, and you have got an award for it. Then you will be showered with praise and love by your mother. But by any chance, if you fail in the examination or did not get the expected marks, then your mother’s love will disappear.
3. Unrealistic Expectations and Constant Criticism
Have you ever felt that your mom has a long list of all the things you did wrong? Narcissistic mothers often set very high or next to impossible standards to meet. That will make you feel like that, you can never do enough.
Example: You made a dinner of her choice, but then also she complains that you have not done enough preparation for the dinner, and some items are missing.
4. Playing Favorites and Triangulation
Did your mother praise other siblings or some family members in front of you, that will make you feel inferior?
Example: “Your elder brother is very discipline, and you must follow him and order to be a gentleman”
This type of tactic always creates insecurity and competition within the family members.
5. You became a Caregiver
If you possess all the qualities of playing the role of a cheerleader or a therapist, or even if you take care of your mother, then you were certainly “parentified.” You became an emotional rock instead of your mother.
Example: Your mother talks about her relationship problems or her financial issues that will make you feel responsible enough for fixing them.
Effects of a Narcissistic Mother in long term
The effect of spending childhood with a narcissist mother never disappears magically and it takes some time and its side effects are on your relationships, career etc. Below are a few ways to fix it:
1. Lower Self-Esteem
Whenever you have been told that you are never good with anything, the feeling of regret develops in you, and to overcome this feeling you constantly start doubting yourself or you become an impostor.
2. Setting Boundaries is difficult
In your childhood, your mother always ignored the boundaries which were set by you. Therefore, now you struggle in saying no to others, and slowly, you become a yes man.
3. Toxic Relationships attracts you
If you are brought up by a narcissist Mother, then you might be attracted towards a partner who has the same characteristics because from childhood, you have only seen these types of traits in a person.
4. Burnout or Overachievement
You do everything to earn the love of your mother, and in this process, you try to become a perfectionist. However, this perfectionism can be fruitful and attaining success, but it comes with anxiety and exhaustion.
Steps to Deal with a Narcissistic Parent
Healing never means that you will be fixing your mother but it simply means that you take care of yourself. Here’s how to start:
1. Just accept whatever you cannot change
You have to believe that you cannot change everything and your mothers nature is one of those things. It is better to accept her for her flaws.
Mantra: “Her behavior is about her, not me.”
2. Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries can be your best buddy. Just start small:
Example: “If you are not comfortable in sharing something then clearly share your thoughts of not sharing”
3. Limit the conversation if Necessary
Sometimes, limiting the conversation with the person who bothers us helps in maintaining our mental peace. It is always better to choose mental peace or anything because unnecessary disturbance will cause anxiety.
4. Try to Build a Support System
Find individuals who uplift and validate you. These people could be your boyfriend/girlfriend or friends etc. You can also find an online support group or meditation Centre. At such places, you will find people who are similar to you, and you can have a great bonding with them. That will be helpful in healing your mental peace.
5. Therapy
Try to consult a therapist because it can help you in solving your emotional mess while you were with a narcissistic mother. They can easily guide you on how to set boundaries and build self-esteem.
6. Love Yourself
If you have never got support and love when you were a child So now your chance to love yourself, and for this, you can start with some very small acts like:
- Start writing affirmations like, “I can do and I am always enough.”
- Try to teach yourself that if you made a mistake, then it is not a big deal. You are a human being and you can make mistakes.
Healing Is very much Possible: A short Story of Hope
Let us draw inspiration from Good Will Hunting. Will’s breakthrough occurred when his therapist reiterated, “It’s not your fault.” That is a great reminder for anyone recovering from a narcissistic parent. It isn’t your fault that your mother couldn’t love you wholeheartedly. However, it is within your ability to heal and create the life you choose.
Final Thoughts
It is not at all easy to deal with a narcissist mother, but it is easy to identify the signs that can help you in reclaiming your powers. In this process, sometimes healing takes some time, but by setting boundaries by giving self-love and by breaking the emotional baggage you can uplift yourself in life and career, and you will see changes within a couple of weeks.
Always remember that you are not defined by your parents, actions or words, and you know your worth that you can do something big in life.
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